i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
