Don't make out with my wife yet
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
