I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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