You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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