I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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