my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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