i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
