My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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