explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
