You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
