Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
