last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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