I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
