I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
