Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
