Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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