dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
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