Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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