Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
