I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
