Acid is not a monday night drug
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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