How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
