My room smells like vodka and shame
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
