I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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