i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
