If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
