Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
