Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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