I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
