Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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