i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's blow job season.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
