At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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