I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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