wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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