dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
