I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
