I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There's always time for handjobs
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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