tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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