My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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