I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
