At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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