My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
