Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
