Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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