You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
