someone owes me an orgasm
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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