Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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