he looks like a really good dad on facebook
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
