I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
