update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
