I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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